Oh, the meltdowns. The blank stares. The anger. Then the crying. Endless crying.
It’s not E. It’s ME. I can’t seem to control them.
My new friend and fellow autism Mom, C, has spent hours on the phone with me the last couple of days. She has walked me through the steps of the journey with her young son so far.
Evaluation process. Diagnosis. Looking at all of the different therapies that might be needed. Figuring out next steps. Fights with insurance. It’s like she’s earned a master’s degree in this and I’m a preschooler. There’s so MUCH. I am so grateful for the incredible knowledge download, but it’s so MUCH.
At the end of every conversation with her I thank her profusely, hang up the phone, and cry uncontrollably for minutes. Sometimes hours. My hand hurts from taking so many notes. My head hurts from trying to process it all. My heart hurts from how deeply I love my baby boy.
“God, fix me. PLEASE. I’m broken. E isn’t broken. I AM. And he needs me. PLEASE. I can’t let this break me. I know You wouldn’t do this to break me. There has to be a purpose in this, but right now I just need you to fix me. This is my 9-1-1 call, God. PLEASE. Help.”
A warmth floods my body. Goosebumps travel up my arms. And then this: “I don’t make mistakes. I have entrusted you with a precious gift and I MADE you to be strong enough for it. You are not broken. You are whole. I don’t make mistakes.”
I’m frozen. Still. Quiet. My breathing is shallow. Did I hear that out loud? My eyes dart around, looking for I-don’t-know-what. I don’t want to move, don’t want the moment to be over. But it is. He has spoken what He wanted to, and I suspect God doesn’t waste words.
The enormity of the message floods over me. God TRUSTS me. E is a good and perfect gift straight from Him, and He trusts me to be E’s Mommy. God CHOSE us to be his parents.
This isn’t a tragedy. It’s a divine mission.
I’m crying again. Words of gratitude are spilling out of me to God, out loud. I know He just spoke to me. The least I can do is speak back to Him.
A minute later, those perpetual enemies of mankind show up – Doubt and Fear.
“You’re crazy. Do you really think God would talk to YOU? Do you honestly think you’re good enough for Him to trust YOU?”
I shudder. To cut them off, I start talking.
“God, I know I shouldn’t even ask this. I’m so sorry to even ask this. But, if that was You can you just confirm it to me somehow? Can you give me a hug or something?” I am crying hard now. “I need a hug, God. PLEASE. And please don’t be mad at me for asking….”
Before the words are all the way out of my mouth, the goosebumps return in a wave. This time they start on my head. My scalp tingles. The wave continues down my neck, floods my shoulders and back, down my arms and legs. The tips of my toes are tingling. Everything is still. And peace. Just PEACE.
The tingling lasts for a full minute. A minute that feels like days.
If this is what a hug from God feels like, I want this to be my new address. I want to live here.
I lean over and drop my head into my hands, crying a different cry now. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I breathe. My nose is running like Niagara Falls. I don’t care.
Unexpectedly, E walks into the room. I look up quickly, turning toward my 4-yr-old gift.
For the first time in more months than I can remember, he looks me straight in the eyes.
“Mommy, okay? Don’t worry, Mommy, I fix you.”
I freeze. My jaw drops. He looked me in the EYES! He just spoke a complete SENTENCE! He used the EXACT words that I was just praying!!!
At that moment it hits me. This is not a detour in our life. We haven’t taken a wrong turn. This is the plan.
This is the journey we are MEANT to be on.